Missing Herb

I have been thinking about Herb a lot the past few days. I wonder what he thinks about me now. I wonder if he thinks I am a good mother. I wonder if he is proud of me. I can’t get the poem out of my head. The choir sang it at church this past Sunday when I went for the first time in a long time. I wonder if it was Herb’s way of telling me he is always with me. I would like to believe that. That he is showing his presence in little ways like that. I am reminded of him often. So I wanted to post the poem that was sung at church and that we read at Herb’s burial two summers ago. But of course I can’t find it. I thought I had it in a certain place and now it isn’t there. I will have to look for the church program. I do however have another poem that Herb wanted us to have, for it is one he thought would make us smile and make the loss of him a little easier. He wanted us to know that he will always be with us and not to let ourselves sink into sorrow. To Those I Love When I am gone, release me, let me go- I have so many things to see and do. You mustn’t tie yourself to me with tears Be happy that we had so many years. I gave you my love. You can only guess How much you gave me in happiness. But now it’s time I traveled on alone. So grieve a while for me if grieve you much Then let your grief be comforted by trust. It’s only for a while, that we must part So bless the memories within your heart. I won’t be far away, for life goes on – So if you need me, call and I will come. Though you can’t see or touch me, I’ll be near – And if you listen with your heart, you’ll hear All of my love around you soft and clear And then when you must come this way alone I’ll greet you with a smile And “Welcome Home.” Anonymous So for those who have lost someone dear to them, read this and hold it close to your heart.

POOP!

Ok Everyone. Sing it with me…. Poopy on the Pot-ty, Poopy on the Pot-ty! I don’t know why but for some reason whenever Jakob does a deed on the potty I feel the need to break into song. I get SO excited. It is one step closer to him being independent. Which can be sad, I know that it will be a sad and proud moment at the same time. But right now I would give my eyeteeth to have one child out of diapers. It gets very frustrating because I know that he can do it, and that he is being super stubborn. So Sunday he finally agreed to try to pee on the potty. So as I took down his diaper I found a huge mess. He had already pooped. So I cleaned him up and convinced him to try to take a pee on the potty since we were already in the bathroom and he was naked from the waist down. So he sat on the potty playing his kazoo (don’t ask), and pushed. I think we were both shocked when he stood up and there was a little poop in the potty. He was so proud of himself. And Jason and I were very proud of him too. The first thing he asked us was how many M&Ms he could have! We had decided that for an attempt he would get one, for peeing he would get three and for poop he would get five! So imagine his surprise when we told him he could have five M&Ms. He devoured the chocolate and did the little dance to the song above. It was a great moment. One that hasn’t happened since. He hasn’t been interested in it at all. But we continue to try and hopefully we will find some time to set aside to stay at home and work on it with gusto. But in the meantime we will do our best to convince him to attempt it and see where we go from there.Wish us luck!

holy long blog batman

Catch up… Ok, please forgive me for I have sinned. I have not blogged in forever. And at a time when so much has happened. It has been such a busy few months and I don’t know where to start. So this blog is going to be about catching up and I am sure that none of my writing will be in any sort of order – more of what comes back to me when. And I am sure that I will forget things too and might write about them later. So for now I will start with what is current and see where my mind takes us. We went to a bbq yesterday at a friend’s house and had a lot of fun. Our kids ran around and caused lots of commotion and basically had fun for several hours. It was funny for me to hear B say that she knew that we would be the first ones there. I am always on time, if not early. That is unless there is a battle of wills with Jake and he is refusing to put a toy away, but that’s another story. So for us to be there first wasn’t odd for me. We are usually the first there and the last to leave. Trying to get my husband out of a social situation is not always easy. He loves to be able to sit around and have a few drinks and chat with people. You would think that he didn’t get a chance to talk every day. I love spending time with moms from the group outside of the regular playgroup setting. I like that Jason gets along with a lot of the hubbys, it makes me happy. Not really sure why. I think it’s that I like to fit in, and I like that we can fit in together. Silly, eh? So… at this bbq my wonderful son became an animal hater. He for some reason decided that hitting animals was ok this weekend. Earlier in the day Jake decided to kick Toby in the neck as she lay on the kitchen floor. And then at the party he hit Beanie with a plastic golf club and then smacked Alistair in the face. Granted he is a pug and his face was already smushed in, but come on. What the heck is all this about? So trying to get Jake to explain why this is happening was difficult. I was hoping that he was getting to the age that he can explain his behaviour and tell me why he was hitting and kicking the dogs but no such luck. He was smiling, then sad, then shy, then crying…. he didn’t know why. So we explained that he did something bad, and that we don’t hit the animals in our life. He was so embarrassed and shy about it, and then he apologized to Toby, Alistair and Beanie. He also apologized the Beth and Karen for hurting their animals too. How do I get my sons to understand that animals are our friends and we don’t abuse them? What steps do I take? Suggestions? I went to church today. Yes that’s right, I went to church. For those of you who know I am not a church goer. I wasn’t brought up in a religious family of any kind. We didn’t go to church, except maybe to hear carols at Christmas. So going to church is always a big thing for me. I get nervous and anxious being there. Usually that is. But today was a good day – I enjoyed being there. I felt comfortable for the first time in a long time. I have been to church several times with Jason and his mother when we go up to see her. We had Jakob baptized in her church. And that was probably the other time that I was a little comfortable. Today I was invited to go and hear my friend J speak at church. She is very involved in her Unitarian Church. Today she was giving a “sermon” on Death and Dying and how different ways of memorializing those who are gone has changed and evolved. That isn’t the best summary of what she said, but that is kinda the gist of it. J is probably shaking her head at me right now. J But what can you do. It was a very moving sermon all around. I spent the rest of the day thinking about those that are gone from my life. I have dealt with a lot of death in my life recently. I have lost both my fathers, had a miscarriage, lost a grandmother, and now my last grandparent is ailing. And there has been a lot of death for my friends too. It has been a rough patch. But thinking about our losses has made me look forward to the future. To making life extraordinary. To making life as wonderful as if those that are gone would have if they were still here. I plan to teach my boys the things that Herb had planned to, to make sure that they learn and appreciate the grandfathers they never got to know. To understand how much they were loved in that short little time. Even though they died before knowing about Aiden, I know that they are looking down on him and loving him and hoping for such a wonderful life for my boys. There were so many things that I had envisioned my boys doing with them. My dad wasn’t around much, though I know that he wanted to know my boys better than he knew me. There weren’t the talents that Herb had and wanted to pass on, but love just the same. I want to do things to memorialize them, and am on a mission to figure out the appropriate way. It will come to me. If we were staying in one place and had our own place we might plant a tree life my friends the R-H’s. It was such a happy coincidence that they were planting the memorial tree today. I hope that she got as much insight today as I did. And I hope we get a chance to talk about it some time. It was a shock when I got home from running some errands to find out that my neighbour’s father died yesterday. He has been sick for a while. Last summer he battled cancer and went into remission. It was a very long and stressful summer for her. She and her father were very very close. The Dr.s had given him three months this time. They had all kinds of plans for this summer. He had never visited Maine and she had just booked off three weeks to go and take him on this trip. They admitted him to the hospital to begin another round of chemo. He developed an infection, the same kind that he managed to beat last summer. Though this time his heart gave out and he couldn’t be resuscitated. My heart goes out to her. I know the shock of losing a parent so suddenly. I understand the shock she is feeling and yet I feel helpless. I never know the “right” thing to say. So I wait. I wait to see if she needs anything from us….feeding her cats, watering her plants and garden, anything little that will make things easier for her for the days that follow. The days that you are walking in a blur and unaware of the goings on around you. I was thankful that I had Jake during those days. A reason to get up and continue to function, to put on a brave face and try my hardest not to cry constantly. Ok… enough. I’m going to start crying. What else has been going on? Oh – updates of Aiden’s Escapades! He is up to 18 lbs and 27 inches. He is a tank. I have said that before but he is such a solid little man. And he is rolling over like a champ. Only from back to front, but soon he will be able to go both ways. His two bottom teeth are totally in and there are more on the way. He is such a drooler and his cheeks are permanently rosy. The only thing not so great going on with him is he has the absolutely worst diaper rash ever. It is dry and chaffed and raw. Yuck. And nothing I have been putting on it has made it better. So today I spent a fortune on a green all natural product to see if that works. I hope it does. It is all over his butt, and up front on his lower lower abdomen just above his junk. Fingers crossed that this works. Jakob told us to shut up tonight. We were driving in the car and Jason and I were having a chat and all of a sudden from the back seat we hear “shut up”. I just about drove off the road. He couldn’t tell us where he learned those words, but we were sure to tell him that we don’t use those words and they’re “naughty” words. We’ll see how that works. What else… oh, of course. Jakob has yet another ear infection. Actually it is his 13th ear infection. 13 in 2 ½ years! How ridiculous is that? I told his ped that I have hit my wall and that I need to see and ENT about this. I just don’t understand. About three ear infections ago I was asking about an ENT referral, but the ped told me that he was hitting the age that he would outgrow them and that he shouldn’t have any more. But like I said, that was three infections ago. So here we are at number 13. I have a new theory though. I am curious to know if the helmet could have re-aligned the tubes in his ears and that is why he is so susceptible to infections. Does the fluid just not have the exit needed and sits there behind the drum and get infected? The ped didn’t have an answer for that. So I am going to do some research on that before our ENT appt on the 2nd. I’ll keep you updated on my theory and Jakes progress. AND!!! – on top of it all Jakob got the croup last night. 1 am and he is barking like a seal. Lasted about an hour. Jason set up the humidifier and filled it with water and eucalyptus. It made him sleep a little easier. When I checked on him at 4 after feeding Aiden, he seemed to be breathing alright, just some wheezing and snoring. When it rains it pours, eh? Ok. That is all I can do tonight. I am uber tired and am looking forward to a good sleep. Fingers crossed that Jakob sleeps all the way through and that Aiden has a good sleep too. I don’t mind getting up with him so much as he goes right back to sleep with no worries. Jake is a lot harder to calm. Again – that is another long story. Some time I will write about the differences between these to amazing boys. Gotta end this – there is a pillow calling my name. G’night.T